I feel like death...

Mmm... It's been so long i didn't post any shits in here...

I felt very weird lately... Since i got out from the psychiatric ward on June, 2017. Then i undergo healing process for a month before i go to work again, i hate taking the prescription drugs that was given to me by the docs, my parents kinda scare of me, almost all my relatives tho...

It's really hard sometimes when my senses are getting out of control, then i learned that having crystal gemstone like black tourmaline, clear quartz and amethyst quartz kinda calm my hyper nerve down....

Yo supp! Amethyst look so yummy!

This one makes me chill yo! It's feels heavy so my mind won't go anywhere!

This makes me feel so powerful! With some voices in my head keep yelling, "im the best there is!!!"

I felt a very great depression that it's hard to describe sometimes...i have this very nihilist thoughts recently since i kinda can sense the energy all around me and i felt like they are mine, and living in the city working with some shitheads kinda drain the fuck out of me, it makes me feel like anotha shit that is about to break and just die. Kinda...

Then i realize also i can manipulate these feelings and thoughts to be something else, and the energy which suppose to belong to the other person kinda got effected by it and they kinda go haywire because of the energy manipulation.

I stop doing that tho...it's scary as fuck since it got my friend killed on 2018, more than ex friend tho...i don't actually like that fucker, so i kinda goes all angry and shit with the intend to kill this fucker but only by just using my mind, and weeks later, that guy is dead. 

I have this mixed feelings that i was afraid, relief, happy and depressive, sad and guilty at the same time, it was fucked up!! 

When me and my other old friends visit him at his house, i was crying non stop, i can't control my feelings anymore, i still can't forgive him, i've tried to forgive him so hard it's hard all i see in my mind are bunch of shits he did to other people and me, i cut him off from my life and he started to talk shits about me to all my friends so they can also reject and ignore me, but still, the truth always win tho, nobody trust this motherfucker anymore when they know the truth about how fuckboi and a bragger he is...

But still i don't have the right to wrongly use my ability to kill him, i do realize my mind can be playing tricks on me but then this time it doesn't, i only keep seeing the truth, and the truth hurts a lot, death can be a very best way to free from this pain of seeing things and feeling things sometimes!

Death can be very peaceful and serene, a new start with a new life, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically... It cannot be avoided, because death itself is also part of life.

Hate and love are one of the same coin, watever life brings you, feel em, flow with it no matter how scary and shitty things get.