I feel like death...

Mmm... It's been so long i didn't post any shits in here...

I felt very weird lately... Since i got out from the psychiatric ward on June, 2017. Then i undergo healing process for a month before i go to work again, i hate taking the prescription drugs that was given to me by the docs, my parents kinda scare of me, almost all my relatives tho...

It's really hard sometimes when my senses are getting out of control, then i learned that having crystal gemstone like black tourmaline, clear quartz and amethyst quartz kinda calm my hyper nerve down....

Yo supp! Amethyst look so yummy!

This one makes me chill yo! It's feels heavy so my mind won't go anywhere!

This makes me feel so powerful! With some voices in my head keep yelling, "im the best there is!!!"

I felt a very great depression that it's hard to describe sometimes...i have this very nihilist thoughts recently since i kinda can sense the energy all around me and i felt like they are mine, and living in the city working with some shitheads kinda drain the fuck out of me, it makes me feel like anotha shit that is about to break and just die. Kinda...

Then i realize also i can manipulate these feelings and thoughts to be something else, and the energy which suppose to belong to the other person kinda got effected by it and they kinda go haywire because of the energy manipulation.

I stop doing that tho...it's scary as fuck since it got my friend killed on 2018, more than ex friend tho...i don't actually like that fucker, so i kinda goes all angry and shit with the intend to kill this fucker but only by just using my mind, and weeks later, that guy is dead. 

I have this mixed feelings that i was afraid, relief, happy and depressive, sad and guilty at the same time, it was fucked up!! 

When me and my other old friends visit him at his house, i was crying non stop, i can't control my feelings anymore, i still can't forgive him, i've tried to forgive him so hard it's hard all i see in my mind are bunch of shits he did to other people and me, i cut him off from my life and he started to talk shits about me to all my friends so they can also reject and ignore me, but still, the truth always win tho, nobody trust this motherfucker anymore when they know the truth about how fuckboi and a bragger he is...

But still i don't have the right to wrongly use my ability to kill him, i do realize my mind can be playing tricks on me but then this time it doesn't, i only keep seeing the truth, and the truth hurts a lot, death can be a very best way to free from this pain of seeing things and feeling things sometimes!

Death can be very peaceful and serene, a new start with a new life, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically... It cannot be avoided, because death itself is also part of life.

Hate and love are one of the same coin, watever life brings you, feel em, flow with it no matter how scary and shitty things get.

Depression and spiritual awakening

'They said i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder...

Well, it was the best shit ever!! Yet the scariest thing ever...

I feel like i'm one with the universe, i feel everything, i see everything, i hear everything, the good and the bad.

I meet my old self, my past life, getting all crazy and shit, something from the inside is trying to break free.

All the negative feelings and trauma from the past is trying to resurface, telling me to face em head on in order to heal emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically....owww my demons...how i miss you~

Seeing things that ain't there, hear em and feel em...am i hallucinating? i don't know...

Should have just kill myself, cuz i don\t understand shits that going on in my head, sometimes i even forgot how to feel...

i felt this very strong vibration coming out from my whole body, like an electric current zapping my whole body from the inside! owww...gawd...waittt...just how many bodies do i have  anyway??

The truth hurt, nothing in this world is giving you the right answers, just have to figure it out yourself.

On a path of self-discovery, i realize one thing, true love heals everything.

Awaken the soul within, it has all the answers that one needs to know.

REMEMBER the real you, your fate is in your hand.

Psychic or just plain psychotic

How to know if you're a psychic?
Or maybe just plain psychotic if you can't control yo shit tho...

Well.... i don't know about you, but i can only tell you about my 1st hand experience.

................................

Once upon a time... and im no good with my english,,,still...

okay enuff...!

Here are some judgements that i got from family to friends to society...

1. Confusing use of words/full of metaphor.
- well yeah... i don't like talking too much in real life, i only talk if it's important, so i just make things sound as simple and significant as i can, and people are like, "what the fuck are ya talking about? i don't shitty understand your gibberish bulshits!" Philosophical and psychological.

2. All your 5 basic senses are highly developed, and you're sensitive as fuck.
- and it's killing, i have nightmare all the time when i still can't control myself. I feel like i can feel everyone's aura, i can even see colours comin out from their body and all the objects all around me, you see... there's no such thing as black and white aura only, there are 7 basic colours like the rainbow colours.

3. Highly ambitious and rebellious.
- Dreaming a lot, then tomorrow start dreaming another dream again, then change again tomorrow, and all those dreams are very vivid and imaginative, i think like i can archive many things at a time, i can't stand routines, i hate working with shallow minded people who have no dream to archive.

4. Disorganize and creativity.
- In my early journey...i had a rough time focusing one thing at a time, i love music and art, philosophy and psychology, when i learn something new i only learn something from a short period of time then everyone was like, "wow! you're good but damn you're stupid! you change your focus again, can't continue one thing"....well~ shut yo mouth!

5. Emotional and spiritual.
- Many people told me to learn how to repressed my emotions, and learn to be a stoic person, well to be honest i may look calm from the outside but from the inside, i feel like i wanna explode and kill people, i feel like im being chained and force to follow rules and orders from what most of the people actually are doing, all i see are 'dead people' or soulless people living in a physical body. well yeah...I live alone in a small beautiful house with the nature and animals and oww....spiritual beings! I feel so alive~~

6. Can predict the future.
-well yeah...most of the time until people tell me to shut the fuck up until it happens right in front of their eyes...DAMN!! that feels goooooddd~~~ wuahahaha

oke enuff....thanks for reading.

Peace be upon ya~

Before THE END of 2012, let's ENJOY!!

waii nah! lama dah nda post sesuatu ntah pa barang sy mo post ni, k enuff....

There's so many things had happened through out this year, there are at times we were tired, weary with all the works to be done, feeling sad, break-up with boyfriend or girlfriend, getting angry, arguing, fighting, crying, drinking too much until throw it all back (if you know what i mean), not enough money, getting all stress out over almost everything...

but it doesn't mean we never had fun, feel wanna laugh as loud as we can, we all want to understand what it means by 'feeling alive', so yeah, go and live yo fucking life to the fullest!

Wanna understand what it means by ENJOYING life by making mistakes, feeling down then getting back up, fell in love, befriend with so many people and dot dot dot...

Up until now, after all those shitty things and fun things that had been thrown at us through out this year from January till this month DECEMBER~

Let's go for a walk, and enjoy our life before the end of the year 2012. wooohh!!

enjoy sebelum kiamat...org bilang...lulz

Hobbycon at Citymall, on 8th till 9th of December

Robert with Iron man cosplayer

Anime poster for sell anyone?

Babes

ow mai that's HAWT! lolz!

ya beli beli~

Gundam action figures

errr.....

high school of the dead cosplayer

treeeppp....!!!

pui!

what is diz?!

when walking on land is too mainstream

epic fail 

ow da face...lolz

bunch of robin hood wannabe

missed..

missed more..

epic missed!

the result...

pok silap!

epic jua lar..

kuyak salana!

=____=""

jelingan mauts!

the Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, Melancholic 

PWNED!

pui...

...lar!

lepas ni, ramai2 muka PLASBAK!!

post mengarut yang tidak la mengarut sangat

sy tipu ja tu...

mo crita style bahasa local sket yang tak la se-local manapun.

waw! lama uda sy nda buka ni blog ow! sbb ada tu urang sna blakang sy tapuk2 mau tingu apa sy tulis, bukan sy tulis pasal ko pun! p ko main sama tu bantal! bergoncang sendiri2 sna atas sofa.

baru2 ni sy dapat kerja dah, keja sebagai tukang masak di novotel hotel, commis 3 dalam cold kitchen bulan lalu (1st February 2012).

Syoknya dapat duit uda~ tapi sy ni stingy pnya orang, stingy sama diri sendiri la supaya lambat abis duit, DAPAT BUDGET duit!

Dan hari ni (24th MARCH 2012), sy ambil cuti satu hari, mau p lawat orang mau kena kubur di kampung. Mula-mula parents sy mau bawa sy p sana, tapi akhirnya dorang suruh sy p sana sndiri guna tu kereta jip suzuki biru.

tu kampung pun trletak di tengah2 hutan, tengah2 lubang gaung, sy tak pernah pandu pergi sana sndri selama ni, jadi hari ni test drive la.

mati2 lagi sy pijak brek dan tarik handbrake serentak, masih lagi tu kereta turun bukit dengan lajunya! tiba2 enjin termati, pukitai! sy tingu ja tu gaung di sebelah sy masa tu. Tu urang tua pun balik2 tepon...adui...tambah tekanan...mau juga sy jawab, "tunggu sy jatuh p gaung lu baru tepon sy"

akhirnya sy sampai juga di kampung taginumbur! waw! rindu gila ni tempat~~ banyak masa zaman kanak2 sy dihabiskan di sini~ rindu bau hutan, bau lumpur sampai tayar kereta sy stuck di lumpur tersebut, rindu bau sungai, rindu makanan tradisional~~

masa kat dalam rumah kami di kampung tu, ada satu lubang besar bekas di...KURIK?? oleh orang ntah sepa, dengar cerita dari datuk sy, "ada bekas dan tanda2 jampi dalam lubang tu"...cepat2 sy kuar dari tu tempat trus...

-------------------------------------------------------

"tunggu sy jatuh p gaung lu baru tepon sy", (tu kampung terletak di tengah2 lubang gaung basar dalam hutan, mengikut sejarah, tempat ni bekas persembunyian orang tempatan ketika penjajahan jepun, dari kawasan persembunyian berubah menjadi satu kawasan pertempatan)

Family Gathering

Talk about my family gathering, it can be the most funniest shit, or it can be the most annoying shit ever...

but still it's part of the culture and it can be the most dramatically interesting ever.

.........................................

Everytime there's a family gathering, we wont forget this STUFFS;

-cousins
-strangers which turned out to be your long lost cousin
-friends which then turned out to be you cousin as well...
-old men which is errrr....
-brats
-karaoke
-barbecue
-picture picture picture!
-beer
-liquor
-aarrgghh!! any kinds of alcoholic drinks!

like most of the times, some of the parents (ow mother! ow auntie!) love to compare their children with other children of how good or how bad their grades is in school/college/university or even in the working life now (in certain way but still..)

comparing of how much of a badass, creative, smartass and successful their child is, when they start talking bout money or business....the conversation will turn out to be fucked up and complicated, everyone will start going greedy....

the karaoke! omg...the most funniest shit ever when some drunk old man and young adults start singing something that even they can't spit it right, everyone is hella DRUNK!

no beer/liquor no kinship..the hell... there was once i was asked by some old man,

"hey, come drink with us!"

me said, "NO THANKS, me don't drink those stuffs"

"WHAT?! if you can't drink then don't say you are part of OUR PEOPLE!"

orang bilang 'orang kita' bah

"Wait kid?! how ol are yu??"

"18...."(that was two years ago)

"whaaattt??! my son already start drinking when he was 12!!"

WTF dude?! what kind of a father are you supporting your underage son to drink that stuff?!

the most annoying thing is when everyone are more into 'honor before reason' kind of attitude.

"DON'T DISHONOR THE CULTURE!!"

ow gawd...

The whole place just smell like #@$@#$@#$@#$@#$#@$.......!

this is the most common family gathering that i've attend all this time, it can be 'informal' or 'formal' way of family gathering.

I bet some youngsters don't like attending their family gathering but not all though like me(sometimes)

well anyway this is one of the way to know more about your family and your long lost cousins.

so...yeah...

Ni kali lah!!

wuinaa lama dah tidak update blog MENGARUT sy! rindu sangat~~~~

oki, ni kali sy mau tulis dalam BAHASA style tatabahasa sendiri.

NI KALI LAH!!

crita pada hari ini (Sabtu, 10 Disember 2011)...

hari ni macam hari lain biasa, penat mau mampos, dan lepas siap keja dan budak shift petang datang ja, kami yang shift pagi lari p mall 1Borneo trus!

buat apa?

mau pergi main bowling.

tapi tidak sempat pla...sebab hari ni kami ada perlawanan persabahatan sekali lagi dengan TLDM (tentera laut agak2 la) dalam acara bowling, memanah, dan meja bola? (main poll orang kata).

........................................

sy cuma jadi penonton ja, sambil duduk dengan relaxnya di tempat duduk dewan memanah tadi, tiba-tiba...

"NADIA!! sila ambil tempat..."

*semua orang cari tu orang*

"siapa boleh gantikan dia?"

*semua orang dari food & beverage department tengok sy*

*tolak sy*

"guna ja ni budak bos"

....MMMMMMMM?????....tak sempat sy larikan diri, baju sy sudah kena tarik oleh 3 orang.

............................................

wow! punya main hebat! kali pertama sy memanah, panah sy terbang pergi ke kertas blok sasaran orang lain, kena di bahagian warna merah lagi tu!

semua orang yg duduk dan berdiri kat sana ketawa bukan main lagi.

kali kedua, panah ku tersasar ke bahagian warna hitam, ni kali di tempat blok sasaran sendiri.

ketawa lagi dorang sana belakang...

kali ketiga, terkena di tempat yang sama, blok sasaran sendiri, di bahagian warna hitam, di panah yang kedua tadi! sehingga panah kedua sy tadi tercabut keluar!

kerasukan dah semua orang.

........................................

akhirnya sy balik semula ke hotel, ada barbecue di tempat swimming pool hotel sebagai acara penutupan untuk perlawanan persahabatan pada hari ini dan...

hari tu kami kalah lawan TLDM di tempat mereka dalam acara bola sepak dan bola tampar, tapi kali ni dorang kalah di tempat kami! di 1Borneo hypermall! WAHAHAHA!!

ni kali lah...